I didn’t realize it until I went through a particularly difficult breakup, but I wasn’t very kind to myself at all. It wasn’t until I had the absence of a romantic relationship that I noticed how little love I was getting—especially from myself. My negative self-talk got worse, I was increasing self-critical, and most importantly, I was unhappy. After realizing I couldn’t depend on others to give me the kindness I needed, I decided to make more of an effort with being kinder to myself.
Naturally, I didn’t know where to start. How to be kinder to yourself may seem obvious, but it wasn’t for me—not until I asked myself one particular question: “What would I do for someone I loved?”
I made a list. From showering them with compliments to helping them with something before they asked, I realized I barely did those things for myself. In fact, I expected those things from others, and when I didn’t get them, it made me feel worse—like I was unworthy of that kindness, and that’s why I didn’t get it. And that was far from the truth.
I had to accept that others weren’t responsible for making me happy, that it is OK for you to give love and attention and kindness to yourself. Everyone tells you that you should be your own best friend, but what does mean? And could any of us say that we are, really?
It’s still a learning process for me, but here are some of the little ways I’m being kinder to myself lately.
Mirror pep talks and motivating mantras.
After reading “I Am Enough” by Marisa Peer a couple of years ago, I started talking to myself in the mirror even more than when I was a student prepping for my solo before a seasonal school concert. Having a set of morning mantras helped. Some of these included “I am beautiful just the way I am” (to boost self-esteem) to “I am an excellent writer and deserve the praise I receive” (to combat imposter syndrome). It set the mood for me each day and allowed me to hear the words I so badly wanted to hear from others.
In fact, this process even sparked a piece of prose that I shared on Instagram around that time: “If you don’t hear it enough, tell it to yourself.” Even today, I still think of those words—my own—that helped me realize all the power is mine.
Making sure I get enough sleep.
Letting yourself rest—REALLY rest—is such an important act of self-care and self-kindness. So many people deprive themselves of proper sleep for many reasons. Actually setting a bedtime and sticking to it, and making sure you get your 8 hours in, is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself. When you are well-rested, you start your day in a better, clearer mood. Giving your body the rest and attention it needs shouldn’t feel like surrendering—it should feel like love.
When you make the responsible choice of ending a hangout at a decent hour so you can rest before work the next day, or deciding to save that next episode of your favorite TV show for tomorrow so you have time to wind down before bed, can be one of the kindest things you can do for you and your body that day.
Giving your body the rest and attention it needs shouldn’t feel like surrendering—it should feel like love.
Scheduling time for hobbies and fun.
People often tease me for scheduling time for my hobbies (like reading or video games). However, when you intentionally set aside time for things that make you happy, instead of just absently defaulting to them, you are telling yourself that your hobbies deserve your attention as much as your scheduled work hours. It’s a minor mindset shift, but it’s a significant one.
Balance is essential in life, and in our overworked, overachieving culture, it can be difficult to break that “grind” mindset. Practicing kindness to yourself should include making unapologetic time for fun. Giving yourself ample time to focus on the things you enjoy will feel like the kindest reward.
Treating myself to one wishlist item each month.
Whether it’s a new shade of lipstick or a new jacket I’ve had my eye on, I make it a point to treat myself to one item I want at least once a month. It’s my way of telling myself that I deserve to have the things I want because I work hard for them.
It’s nice to get gifts from others, but sometimes it feels even better to get something you want yourself. When you get these things for yourself, you’re reminding yourself that you deserve the things you want and it’s OK for you to have them.
You know what else is a great thing to gift yourself? Something you’d expect from a partner: jewelry, dessert—even flowers. Especially flowers. In fact, buy the damn flowers.
What are some things you are doing to be kinder to yourself? I’d love to know!
I love this post, and is exactly what I needed to read right now. Particularly love your musing, “However, when you intentionally set aside time for things that make you happy, instead of just absently defaulting to it, you are telling yourself that your hobbies deserve your attention as much as your scheduled work hours.” — I’ll schedule fun activities for myself this week 🙂
Michelle / michalogy.com
Thanks for your comment, Michelle! I’m glad you enjoyed this post–especially that one particular musing. Try it and see how much of a “reward” it feels. ?
Firstly, I’ll start by saying that I have never heard of that book before, and so I’m definitely going to add that to my kindle to read very soon. Secondly, this post really struck a nerve with me. I feel like since I really struggle with my anxiety, I really struggle with the invasive thoughts in my head. Whenever I’m struggling with the mix of depression and anxiety, those thoughts get worse. Not only that, but they also get crueler. I think I’m going to be using some positive affirmations, and really try to give myself those compliments that I KNOW I deserve to hear. Definitely one of my favorite posts you’ve written xxx
Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com
Thanks for your kind words, Melina!! I’m so happy this post resonated so much with you. It’s always comforting to know I’m not alone, and that others understand. If you do even up reading this book, please feel free to share your thoughts about it! I’m sure it will be helpful, since it really was for me.
Aw Meg, this post really hit the spot for me. After going through my last breakup, I noticed how hard I had been on myself, too. I think the toughest part for me this past year is learning how to forgive myself for the negative self-talk that had taken me over completely.
As people-pleasers and self-growth-oriented individuals, it’s so easy for us to take on the blame, to use the “negativity” as a tool to work ourselves to the bone, continuously find flaws within, and be sure to never point the finger at another person.
This is definitely something I’ve also been working towards for the past year. If I’m so quick to empathize and forgive another, why is it so hard when it comes to myself? I love the tips you’ve given, especially sleep! That’s rarely mentioned as a form of self-care, but as someone who has rarely gotten more than 4 hours of sleep a night, amping it up to 7 has made such a difference in my moods, how I go about the day, etc.
I thought I was the only one who gave myself pep talks and had conversations in the mirror! I love that this is actually a tool for being kinder to yourself (which makes so much sense). It’s a practice I adopted when I was a kid and didn’t have many friends or people, in general, to talk to. It was so easy for me to have those conversations with myself in the mirror and that’s something I still do today. I haven’t even realized how helpful that’s been. Maybe because it’s something I began doing as a kid, I didn’t really think of it as an intentional way of being kinder to myself, but it is!
I like how unique these tips are in relation to what you normally see. “Treating yourself to a face mask” or “taking a bath,” etc. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing those things, but the acts of self-care you’ve listed just feel a lot more accessible and will have long-term benefits.
Oh, the negative self-talk! Such a tricky thing to combat. I’m not even aware of it most of the time I do it. Once I actually catch myself, then the hard work of reframing and rewiring begins. As you said, it’s so easy for people like us to take on that blame as an attempt to use it as some form of growth. But what we REALLY need is to be kinder to ourselves.
I’m so glad these tips were useful and that they resonated with you! Sleep is so big for me. I do everything I can to “wind down” before bed and give my room the perfect atmosphere for rest. It makes all the difference for me and really sets the stage for how my day will go. 🙂